Life is Rough

In two months I will be 22 years old.

And today, for a prolonged period of time, I laid in my bed, and I cried.

Do you want to know why I cried? Because I wanted my mommy. I'm 22 years old, and I wanted my mommy. Needless to say, I had a breakdown today. Needless to say, it brought me here.

Because this blog has gone through more of my breakdowns than anyone or anything else. The difference is, those were middle-school/high-school/growing-up/who-am-i breakdowns. And now? Well this is a grown-up break down.

Funny, they're really quite similar.

Let's Tarantino this shit, and go back to the beginning.

I have a rough life. I have a great life if you look at it from the outside. But live it, for more than a little while and I think you'll disagree. I'm a full time student, three great jobs, 3.4 gpa. I'm "above average" and I do well. I'm an RA, I advise my hall council, I'm in the honors program. I'm a columnist for my university's newspaper, I dance for our dance company, I'm a choreographer for the spring musical. Generally I'm well liked, and a boy that likes me went to see a play with me earlier this evening. I should be happy.

Should be. I suppose that implies that I'm not. Let me be clear, I have the best friends in the whole world - but they are very far away. And I absolutely love the family I was born into and I wouldn't have it any other way - but they are extremely dysfunctional.

Back to the breakdown. Why was I crying for my mommy (and why wasn't she there for me)?

Two reasons for tears. 1. "friends" and 2. I'm sick.

1. "Friends"

You know its going to be good when a word with a positive connotation is put into quotation marks. Here at school I find myself surrounded by "friends". People, who happen to be my peers, classmates, co-workers, etc and therefore consider themselves my "friends". There are many ways to define the word "friend" so lets stick with the basics, dictionary.com.

The very first definition reads, "a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard." I think the problem for me is that the only person my "friends" have affection or personal regard for, is themselves. I seriously, have never been surrounded by more selfish people in my entire life. And I went to a public high school. Allow me to give two brief examples of how three of my best "friends" treated me this week.

A. The Election

This week, my university was holding our annual SGA elections. My friend Mike had been planning on running for president since his freshman year, and I had promised to support him since then. Smart, intuitive, passionate, relate-able, honest and funny, Mike had everything he needed to be a great president. Then, at the last minute, one of my best "friends", Jerica decided she was going to run against him. She told me this in the one class we have together. She sits next to me of course. When she whispered her plans to me, I grew wide-eyed and disapproving. "Why would you run against him? You know I'm supporting him." "I know," she replied "and I won't take your vote for him personally. But I just don't want him to win. So i have to run against him." Jerica and Mike dated briefly their freshman year and it did not go well. Since then, they are not fond of one another. Campaigning continued, uncomfortable for all of us, I'm sure. But things changed late one night as I went to tag Jerica in one of my pictures on facebook. It wouldn't let me tag her, leading me to believe she had unfriended me. I went to look at her profile to double check, and found she had blocked me as well. Immediately I sent her a text message. "did you unfriend me on facebook?" She didn't reply. Granted it was 3am. In the morning our conversation proceeded as follows:

Jerica: Yeah, I unfriended you.

Me: ...why?

Jerica: Because I know I may not seem like it, but i consider you a close friend. Granted he have grown apart and i havent always been there for you but i have feelings despite how i treat you and others. and when i saw (that you were supporting mike) it hurt me. i just didnt expect it and so i just unfriended you until after elections so i don't have to see how i have let you down.

Me: You know I've supported him, I told you that from the very beginning. You know its not personal, this is just another example of how you say we're close but you don't act like it. Did you think about how this would make me feel? I'm very hurt that you don't consider my feelings and that you didn't just talk to me about how you felt. I feel like unfriending me was immature and it scares me to think you can so easily throw away our friendship when we don't agree.

Jerica: okay well i appreciate your honesty. i am sorry i just wish i could have been the one to earn your support. i do understand but it still hurts.

Me: I get that. Its a tough situation. I will be so happy and endlessly supportive of you if you win, because when I say I'm your friend, I don't mean temporarily or when its easy or comfortable for me. I mean all the time. The reason we've grown apart is because I've learned that I can't count on you. When things get rough, you bail.

So yeah. that about sums it up. Unfriended. Worst of all, she won. This selfish little bitch is now our SGA president. fuck.

B. Pretty Little Selfish Sheltered Snobs

I'm sick, as you'll read here coming up. But due to one of the medications I'm on, I cannot go anywhere or do anything alone. And for one of my classes I have to go see the theatre department's play this weekend. No problem, I thought. I'll grab some of my best "friends" roommates Rebecca and Ashley and go see it. When I asked them if they were game...

Rebecca: This weekend is kinda busy for me though.

(I know she has nothing to do but some studying)

Maybe! Ash is tired but we're interested.

(this was at 1pm, we could either go at 7pm or 7pm the next day, being tired has nothing to do with this.)

We're just deciding between tonight and tomorrow.

(sounds like a yes, right?)

We do want to go but we've both had such a long week that I dont think it will be much fun, hang out with you another time.

fuck. you guys. long week? you stay up late (like everyone in college), you're taking 12 credits (I'm at 22 and a full time job), you're on a hall council (that I advise), you buy new clothes and shoes every week (must be draining) and your mom writes your papers (that's illegal you know). Who the fuck cares if it isn't going to be fun for you? I have to go and I can't go alone. You bashed Jerica for being a shitty friend and you're just as bad. fuck. you.

so.

2. sick

I have a sever upper respiratory tract infection. I feel like I'm gonna die, but I'm on tons of meds so i probably wont.

1 + 2 = me crying for my mommy. And she could be there for me, like, at all. Because she is out of the country. On a cruise. In the Carribbean. She better bring me an awesome present.

One of my real best friends from home, Zay, called me when he realized I was having a breakdown. Due to my sore throat I didn't really talk to him much but knowing that he cared helped a lot. The fact that I think I'm falling in love with him wasn't helpful but I've been dealing with that for a while now.

I'm on back-up duty even though it is supposed to be my weekend off, and even though i have to be at dance by 8am tomorrow I have to be awake til 2am. It is now ten after so I'm done ranting.

More tomorrow.

Moving On

In this past year I've done a lot of things.

The way i can sum up what I've been up to in the past year is all in one word.

Healing.

And in healing, moving on.

But every once in a while I run into an area where I realize I am still stuck.

This blog is one of them.

Re-reading it, is very bittersweet.

Maybe bittersweet isn"t the right word.

It's sweet, but it has to go.

So we're moving on.

Just thought you should know.

Random tid bit: the last time I posted on my xanga I was 16. Last time I posted on here, I was 17. I am now 20. Time. Has. Flown.

"If you want to tell someone you love them, tell them now because there may come a point where it becomes too late and you think 'I wish I'd said that'" -Paul McCartney

an update on me. because you have forgotten who i am

dear you,

when you catch me glancing at you, i want you to look back and smile.

When i bump into your arm while walking with you, i want you to hold my hand.

When i want a hug, i will just stand there untill you give me one.

When u break my heart, i will still feel it when you run into me 3 years later.

When i am quiet, millions of things are running through my mind.

When i look at you with eyes full of questions, i am wondering how long you will be
around.

When i answer, "I'm fine," after a few seconds, i am not at all fine.

When i lay my head on your chest, i am wishing for you to be mine forever.

When i say i can't live without you, i have made up my mind that you are
my future.

When i say, "I miss you," no one in this world can miss you more
than that.

When i am mean to you after a break-up, i want you back, but i am scared i will get hurt and i know you're gone forever.

When i call you, i want to be with you.

when i call/text/comment you everyday, i am in love.

love, me.

so that guy

you know, that guy from the last entry?

yeah him.

the one im kinda in love with.

he broke up with his girlfriend last night.

is that a sign?

i hope so.

im bringing him around.

be nice.

HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE BREAKTHRU

OK SO I JUST HAD A HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE BREAKTHRU AND I IM GONNA POST IT ON HERE BECAUSE NO ONE READS THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!YAY!!!!!!!!

so anyways, here it is...

i have a crush on someone!

FOR LIKE THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER!!!!

but alas, he has a girl friend. so ill have to wait.

hes cute, sensitive, compassionate, considerate, funny, and he can sing. he even wote a song and its actually good.

oh how i love to be in his arms.

and today he asked me for my phone number.

NFNGVRWTNWHG!

DID I MENTION HOW INCREDIBLY CUTE HE IS???????????

ahhhhhhhhhh.

love, my sweet, sweet, love.

for my special someones

first off to mr amazing smile-

as soon as I saw your smile, I knew we were meant to be together. it still mesmerizes me today, in fact, even more so than it used to.

i love to hear that you miss me when i'm not around.

there are a few things I want to hold onto; one being the color of the sky, so blue. And the others being every feeling I've ever felt when im with you.

There's only two times I want to be with you; now & forever.

And even if we grow apart, and even if we dont talk as much two years from now,
just remember that Ill always be here for you. always.




And of course to mr always there for me-

me and you, We spend most of our time talking about nothing, but I just want to let you know that all those nothings have meant so much more to me than so many somethings.

There are just some people in life that can make me laugh a little louder, smile a little bigger, & just live a little better...

and there are some people who hit your life so hard, they leave a stain on your future....

and you're one of those people.

when you became my friend it changed my life because For once in my life my heart was
in a place where it wanted to be, & I wasn't afraid of getting hurt.




if anyone can identify both mr someones and tell me why i choose to write about both of them now. you win a prize.

life lately

its had its share of good and bad.

my greades were sucking but they're up again now that i quit my job.

theres some people i love to death and some people that drive me crazy, but thats life isnt it?

i still dont understand why some people cant keep their promises.

i will never understand why my non christian friends show me more love than my christain ones do.

i love josh kat julia amanda ms diane mr randy alina my mom my dad amy matt mr baker ms angela mr b jenn busi steveo nick christain hannah and everyone else who has come to see my show so far.
as for the rest of you -theres still time.

i really dont want to talk to you if we are just going to talk about things we both already know. but i do want to talk to you. because i love you and i want to hear what you have to say. but dont expect me to be fakely polite. because i wont be. ill be honest and cold and hard. because i think you need that. and after im horrible and cruel to you my arms will forever be open to you. when you need someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to listen ill be there. because thats the kinda person i am. but i dont know what kind of person you are anymore. i really dont. but im praying that you are not the kind of person who is going to sit there and feed me a sob story because im sorry but oh boo hoo. you have a sob story. Okay.
Now let me write that down in my thingsidontgiveafuckabout notebook. we all have a sob story. don't think you`re so special or different just cause you`re hurting..cause here`s a secret..we`re all hurting. so you better get over your self and you better do it quick. in fact, im hoping you already have.

i need to go have a weepathon soon. [[see video for definition of weepathon]]

songs that i will preform at One Nite Only

stars and moon

I met a man without a dollar to his name
Who had no traits of any value but his smile
I met a man who had no yearn or claim to fame
Who was content to let life pass him for a while
And I was sure that all I ever wanted
Was a life like the movie stars led
And he kissed me right here, and he said,

"I'll give you stars and the moon and a soul to guide you
And a promise I'll never go
I'll give you hope to bring out all the life inside you
And the strength that will help you grow.
I'll give you truth and a future that's twenty times better
Than any Hollywood plot."
And I thought, "You know, I'd rather have a yacht."

I met a man who lived his life out on the road
Who left a wife and kids in Portland on a whim
I met a man whose fire and passion always showed
Who asked if I could spare a week to ride with him
But I was sure that all I ever wanted
Was a life that was scripted and planned
And he said, "But you don't understand —

"I'll give you stars and the moon and the open highway
And a river beneath your feet
I'll give you day full of dreams if you travel my way
And a summer you can't repeat.
I'll give you nights full of passion and days of adventure,
No strings, just warm summer rain."
And I thought, "You know, I'd rather have champagne."

I met a man who had a fortune in the bank
Who had retired at age thirty, set for life.
I met a man and didn't know which stars to thank,
And then he asked one day if I would be his wife.
And I looked up, and all I could think of
Was the life I had dreamt I would live
And I said to him, "What will you give?"

"I'll give you cars and a townhouse in Turtle Bay
And a fur and a diamond ring
And we'll be married in Spain on my yacht today
And we'll honeymoon in Beijing.
And you'll meet stars at the parties I throw at my villas
In Nice and Paris in June."

And I thought, "Okay."
And I took a breath
And I got my yacht
And the years went by
And it never changed
And it never grew
And I never dreamed
And I woke one day
And I looked around
And I thought, "My God...
I'll never have the moon."

I just couldnt believe you would do the things you did

thinking about summer ending is depressing so i am deciding to be in denial.

i always used to say that i'll never understand him. but that used to be ok.
and its not anymore. because before, i was just being inconveinced. and for the most part, im a pretty easy goinag and loving person, so i was willing to deal. but now im getting hurt. like seriously hurt. and he knows it. and he doesnt care. and i wonder if he ever cared. i wonder if he realizes how hard it was for me to stick by his side through all his various hard times. but i did it. because i cared. and i thought he cared too. but everyday he proves to me that he doesnt. so im giving up.

and thats what scares me. giving up.

this isnt meant to be like a depressing post or anything. but i just have to know, so be honest,

is it bad that im giving up? do you blame me? am i doing something wrong?











know

You Are 28% Sociopath

From time to time, you may be a bit troubled and a bit too charming for your own good. It's likely that you're not a sociopath... just quite smart and a bit out of the mainstream!

Are You A Sociopath?

***You've Experienced 32% of Life***

You have the life experience of someone in their early 20s.
You've seen some of what life has to offer - but you have a long ways to go.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?
http://www.blogthings.com/howmuchlifeexperiencedoyouhavequiz/

"This is a manly [glitter] fight!"

Our eyes remain the same size from birth onward, but our noses and ears
Never stop growing.



The first owner of the Marlboro cigarette Company died of lung cancer.




There are more telephones than people in Washington , D.C.



Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you
could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.




"Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt".




The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.



Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the entire Nike
factory workers in Malaysia combined.






Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

the first day of the rest of my life

for once in my life, something felt right




my heart smiles



we're not pretending





love. easy word to spell. easy word to say. most people throw
around the word "love" like it's nothing. but it's definitely something.
it's that "I can live without you, I just don't want to" kinda feeling
that you get. it's more than any kind of romance, more than exchange of sweet words. it's knowing that no matter what you're going through in life, no matter how you're feeling, that someone will always be there to brighten your day, to
know how to make you smile in your own special way. don't throw
the word "love" around like it's nothing, cause it's everything. never
tell someone you love them when you don't.





Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

-Howard Thurman






lets waste our nights together





You can always tell when people are best friends
because they're always having more fun
than it makes sense for them to be having






but we understand each other,
and we care about each other,
and I believe that years from now...
we still will






And I still don't know what I did to deserve you





if you find love, hold on tight

so much for the street lights

mmmmmm

so last night was fun.

pictures will be posted as soon as they are uploaded and throughly photoshopped.

i didnt realize untill last night how well we fit together. its like she talks about you like you put the stars in the sky. and your laugh makes me smile. my smile makes her world go round. hes her world. so its all this crazy mixed up jumble of life and we all somehow manage to find each other and we all manage to fit although no one feels like they belong.

its miraculous.

By Popular Demand