because i feel like it.

just fyi...
things boys should know...

Whatever you do, if you just show up at my house [without notice]...dont be surprised if im in a less than presentable stae...i run around in my underwear just like you do.
DON'T CHEAT ON ME. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, i WILL find out and you will be mud. If you do cheat on me do not ever tlak to me or try to see me evr again.
Beware of every single male relative i have and all my guy friends. Any of them would kick your butt at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the hat.
NEVER miss an opportunity to tell me im beautiful.
DON'T refuse to hug me in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.
If i slap you hard, you deserved it.
Don't be afraid to touch me if you want to. If im with you in the first place, it's because i like being near you.
i don't mind paying half of everything.
Make sure i get home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping me off, walk me to the door. If you aren't dropping me off, call me to be sure im home safely.
If a guy is bothering me, it is your right to beat the crap out of him.
Go to a chick flick with me once in a while. i dont care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went with me.
get along with my pets, parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to my friends, Mr. Polite to my parents, and make sure to be nice to my animals.
Don't flirt with my mom...that's just freaky.
Don't stress about where we are gonna go or what we are gonna do while we r together. i really only want to be with you.
Memorize my birthday.
smell good.
after we have been hanging out for a while, realize that i really have started to trust you. When i truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.
NEVER, and i mean NEVER make me do anything i dont wanna do.


too much to ask for? maybe. but nessisary? totally.

i just got home from homecoming

homecoming was... fun...but lackluster. ah i dunno. dan made me happy. he looked so cute and he can sure move his hips for a guy. lol. too bad about some other ppl tho... anyways...















Always look at what you have left never what you've lost. so i guess all in all i had a good time. not great, but good. There are just so many things that I Would like to say to him But I don't know how. or rather, i dont know how to get him to listen. we never have a chance to be with each other anymore & i miss him alot. If he wants to be with her then ha can go ahead. I'm not stoppin him. I'm tired of trying to make him love me. Someday he will see how much he really does love me. But, then again someday; someone else is going be with me, preferably david. (hey a girl can dream!) lol.















I want to be able to look in someone's eyes and just know they feel the exact same way as I do.

I dont want to be perfect

when someone sees you as you really are and still wants to be with you, now that's powerful. i think thats why i risk more than others think is safe... care more than others think is wise... dream more than others think is practical... and expect more than others think is possible. and I don't really have friends... I have family.

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

What's Your Love Style?

love is something you can't describe.
like the look of a rose, the smell of rain,
or the feeling of forever.

i only lie when i lie to myself

People may never see what I see in you & that's perfectly fine with me. i just realize that You don't always have to do everything right. and i like the fact that you stand up for yourself & put up a fight. i guess that you could say that i'm in love with your potential, baby. I'm in love with what i know you will turn out to be. so this one id for all the girls that quit believing in love all because of one boy who tore their heart in half. This is for the girls who are afraid to give their hearts out; for some day, i know we will find some boys worth giving pur hearts to. after all, The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences and mistakes and still sees the best in you.















To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart and sing it to them when they have forgotten.















do you love me?

I'm a sucker for those sweet talkers

you cant find the bad parts of my life in my photo album, but it's those bad parts that helps to get me from one happy photo to the next. there are some people in my life right now that i would do anything for. and they happen to be alot of the people that read this. i dont know if you guys know this but for you, I'd smile when you're happy, comfort you when you're sad, try to be the perfect girl & calm you when you're mad. id Hold your hand to make you strong & say your right when I know you're wrong. so now that you know this can you understand why im brokenhearted? id give anything to be with you and youd do anything to lose me. I know I'm the last thing you've ever wanted, but maybe I could be just what you need. just think of it from my point of view, the worst way to miss someone is when they're right beside you but you can't be near them. Don't lie to me to make me happy.tell me the truth.
Cause in the long run, thats what'll make everything okay. i hope.















i feel no comfort as I sit here all alone.
I wait for some sort of life changing event.
Where I will be so happy and different.
When the smiles won't be forced,
And the nights won't be restless.
Where the thought you doesnt upset me.
When pretending to be happy doesn't exist.
Because the happiness is actually really true.
For once in my life I want change.

Tonight I'll stand in the light

Baby you never cease to amaze me.You wanna know why? Cause just when I'm ready to say I'm done with you, you say one sweet thing and I'm back to being yours. Tonight I'm drowning in my favorite records, realizing how every lyric reminds me of the times i've spent with you. I've got the windows rolled down and the music turned up, and i havent been this happy in a long long time. its hard to explain but Do you ever feel like you're working for something you're never going to get, like a shoot & miss kind of deal. Like no matter what you do you can't have it. But yet that's what makes you fight for it. Just a little bit more? this whole time i had myself convinced that I missed his smile,but now i finally realize that i missed mine even more.

i had to write a one stanza poem in Neruda's style for my english class. i have to turn it in tomarrow, i hope Ragusa doesnt hate it...:

Your name is the name of a spark, or a fire, or a rose,
of things that commence physically and close metaphysically:
monkier in whose fight the strong prevail,
in whose spell the innocence of youth is lost.















because there is always someone who loves you, even if it's not the person you were hoping for.

i want a boy...

-who wouldnt be afraid to shove ice cream in my face.
-who will wrestle with me.
-who shows me off to his friends and family.
-who treats me with respect.
-who will call me at four in the morning, just to tell me he can't stop thinking about me
-who could break my heart but wouldn't dream of it.
-And when we aren't together, I want to be the one he's missing.
-i want him to look at me like he has never looked at anyone else.
-i want him to look at me like i have something other girls don't.
-i want him to tell me there is no other girl in the world quite like me.
-when I ask him if he loves me, i want him to tell me the truth.















but i also want something else. Something different, something more. Passion and romance, perhaps. Or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms. Or maybe something as simple as not being second best. i want to kiss someone and know right then and there that's who i want to kiss for the rest of my life. i want the kind of boy that makes me love my name just because of the way he says it. i only wnat to be taken for grantedif its a compliment, if it means im a comfortable and trusted part of another person's life. I want someone to fight for me. I want someone to say that there is no one else that they could ever be with and that they only want to be with me.i want someone to put out his hand and grab for mine while all of his friends are watching. i need someone to need me back.















Today's Quote

A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer; it sings because it has a song.

-Maya Angelou
















Click Here to get this from pYzam.com!

Me? I'm scared of everything.

I'm scared of what I feel, I'm scared of what I did, thing ive said, of who I am,
and most of all I'm scared of never feeling the way I felt when I was with you again for the rest of my life. i used to think that running away from your fears was a sign of weakness, and maybe it still is... but i never said i was strong. and even if i was at one point, I'm not strong anymore,for the first time in my life I just
want to run away from everyone. Don't blame me for running away, I can't afford another heartbreak.



things have changed... things have happened... things that i couldnt have even imagined when i was full of hope.The reason i hold onto memories so tightly is because while everything else changes, they will always be the same. It's just amazing how one day someone can walk right into your life & then you can't remember how you ever lived without them... but then they walk right out again as if they never walked in at all. i've never met anyone that can compare to the way he makes me laugh... and, and, i want..I wanna move on...but I'm scared. scared that I won't find anyone else like you.















but maybe i should of kept that all inside. it would be so easy to just seal my lips and tell a lie.

show me you can't live without me

first off, justin you totally made my day first with ur amazing army skills but mostly by quoting me on corrie's blog. lol.















im feeling the need to clarify some things. i know at times i may seem a little boy-crazy but the difference between physical attraction & love is the ability to see the same person at their best & at their worst and still wanting & needing them the same as before. but i guess that without mistakes, i wouldn't know whats right and wrong, so i just have to give everything a chance. just know that words cannot explain what I'm feeling inside. Oh wait, I take that back. how about. "everything sucks." ok maybe not. dont get me wrong, i will never regret the things (or people) that made me smile once apon a time, but i have to just learn from the tears that happened in real life.















tell me you're not okay
and you needed me all along

Just because we don't say certain things, doesnt mean we dont feel them.

~~that video was from the movie Center Stage. i have yet to see the whole thing so who wants to rent it and have a movie night with me???~~

!!yes, i will def bring andrew to youth group with me asap!!

##this sat nite @ 7 im in a fundraiser, One Nite Only. for $5 you get all the dessert you can eat and watch me sing/dance songs from the 70's! its in the omhs cafeteria and if you could come out and show some support it would mean the world to me!##

ok that was alot of random side notes, now, on with my real entry...

i have always been a very...well...i guess emotional is the word....i have always been a very emotional person. lately it seems that some of my friends are being a but more "emotional". although of course i hate to see them in pain, it is kinda nice to know im not the only one who feels a certain way. but i just hope all of you know how much you really do mean to me. and we may not have it all together;
but together we have it all. i truely believe that.















the truth is, i tend to wnat to build high walls around my heart cause i know no one can climb that high. That way, when no one else attempts to reach the top, which is what i know is going to happen, i won't be disappointed. but the funny thing is, nobody really ever knows how much anybody else is hurting. you have stood next to me while i was completely broken, and you didnt even know.

it takes three seconds to say I love you...but a lifetime to prove it.

*****note::so im making up a new rule. if you read this, you leave me a comment. even if its just "i read this" or something random. because since i have such a simple mind, when some people come up to me in person and say soemthing and i have no idea what they r talking about its usually because they are referring to this, and i didnt even know they read this. so if you could plz just let me know if u read this, i would greatly appreciate it!!!:end note*****

so theres this kid i met. his name is andrew. no one who reads this (i think) knows him. hes really funny and samrt and considerate and just an all-around good kid. unfortunately he has had an extremely difficult childhood and his home life sucks. i have befriended him, but not just because i feel sorry for him, but because i think hes an awesome person who is just lacking some guidannce. he make me want to help him , mostly because i see alot of myself (mainly the parts i dont like) in him. i think he thinks my life is perfect. but im just a really good liar i guess. just keep him in your prayers ok? and i bet alot of you will get to meet him because, well because this happened friday:

me: i wonder where my family is. I cant get in tuch with anyone.
steph: i hope the rapture didnt happen bc then we r screwed.
andrew: whats the rapture?
steph: *insert breif explanation of rapture here*
andrew: oh im not really religous.
me: you do realize what that means right? *smile*
andrew: *smile* what?
me: *smile* i have to save your soul.
andrew: *laughs* i think im a little too lost to be saved.
me: thats what they all think. *smile*
andrew: *smile*

i know it may not seem like much but i think im off to a marvolus start, you will most def get to meet andrew when i bring him to youth group...eventually..















if I love you enough to let you go,
do you love me enough to come back?

so heres the classic story of teenage love... does she choose the nice guy, or the bad boy???



btw, she choooses the nice guy. :D

Life is full of risks

ok. so yes, im overemotinal, and yes, i write some depressing things on here. but the best part of all that is that i can write it on here, and then i dont have to hold it in my heart anymore.


I love sleep...because my life has this tendency to fall apart when I'm awake. But each and evryday i wake up becuae there is that one thing that keeps me going. love.
Life without LOVE isn't life at all. and really i just have to remind myself that i can't miss out on what's happening right now just because im waiting for something better to come along. i can't live in the future. i have right now. plus, i have your smile. and the hope that maybe you might have mine.















So God said to me, " Sure, you can have it all!!! just not all at once..."





















and Lauren, i have this goal that you and i are going to become the best of friends. satrting this weekend. i simply cannot wait. <3

Is she broken? Maybe. Does it hurt? like crazy.

well im going through some hard times. harder than ususal which really sucks because since im so over emotional evrything is so hard as it is that it really cant be harder...but then it is. i really need to get away. thats reason #99999 that i cant wait for this weekend.

i knew life wasnt always beautiful. i knew it could be just plain hard. i knew it could knock you down, i even knew it could break my heart...but i didnt know it would shatter my dreams. i hate not being in control. I am what I am, but for some people that will never be enough. i just dont know why its so hard for me to understand that. i dare you to look me in the eyes & tell me how you really feel. not how you feel about something i did or something i have or something i wear. i dare you to tell me how you feel about me as a person. am i good enough?















Sometimes you have those people
in life where no matter what you do
or say to them, they'll always look
at you the wrong way.

And no one said it was going to be easy

People don't keep journals for themselves. They keep them for other people, like a secret...a seacret they don't want to tell, but they want everyone to know.

www.myspace.com/matanda

www.xanga.com/xamandapanda866x

www.xanga.com/l_a_r_r_i_e


check em out.















Stand up for what you believe in.
Even if your standing alone.

It's the days we're so crazy people think we're high.

so i went to the mall with monica. too bad they were out of EVRYTHING we planned on getting. it sucked. anyways, still just getting out of the house was fun. then we went to chesseburger in paridise. it was good but it made me feel sooo fat, i couldnt even finish my food, evrything was gimoungous. but i saw my cinnie-minnie so twas all good. ok im gonna be honest, i havent done any more work on london brigde bc i just havent had the time. and i feel really bad...so maybe ill keep it for another week??




















I wish I felt nothing,
then it might be easy for me,
like it is for you.

She's your basic, average teenage girl.

im sooo happy right now because evrything is just going good ya know? ryan (a friend of mine who is amazing) and monica (my cousin) are finally officially dating and i think they r perfect for each other. after all, they both chicken dance really well...lol. plus, monica sent me really cute pics of missa (my sister) and her in oc and hopefully we r gonna go shopping sat...fun fun fun.

LIVE

YOUR

DREAM.















we would sit & wonder about the future. but now im thinking that today sounds fine to me.

remember to check out beccahs blog to find out what i did labor day...

I'll wait for you, hoping that you'll change your mind because
Hoping's all I can do...

im so excited for the fall retreat & I hope the weather holds, but than again, we don't need the sun to make us shine.



& I still count my blessings, with or without you. & no, I guess i didnt learn a lesson; I'm still a dedicated fool.















in life, God does not give you the people you want. He gives you the people you need ; to teach you, to hurt you, to love you, to make you laugh...to make you exactly the person you should be. ♥

knowing that something will never happen doesnt make me want it any less

i just wanted to say that that dumb photograph of me and you still
brings tears to my eyes... and it takes a someone special to make the ordinary moments like that something to remember... so i'm sitting here listening to the tick tock of the clock because these days, it's the only thing that stays the same.















this is the scene where I confess that you mean everything to me

Dance in the rain just to get soaked

i got the title from thinking about beccah. we spent the weekend together brige-builing. it pretty much rocked. pics should be up on her blog soon.

in other news, i have been thinking about _____ alot lately and i really reall really really really miss him. and the worst part is, i know he doesnt miss me. its like a lose-lose situation or something. Whatever I'm doing, whenever it is,whoever I am talking to, I am always thinking about one thing. him. and that just cannot be healthy. every time I see a shooting star I whisper his name, and he is consistantly in my prayers.

granted, i know im kinda boy crazy...but this is different. I didn't fall in love with him because of his drop dead gorgeous eyes. I fell for what was behind them. and for the first time in my life i stare at myself in the mirror. i can no longer notice my once reedeeming qualities. i cant give myself credit for being such a forgiving person. A wonderful friend. A great listener.because somehow, if _____ doesn't see my beauty, neither can i.















you know you're in love when you realize
you found the person you'd die for