And today, for a prolonged period of time, I laid in my bed, and I cried.
Do you want to know why I cried? Because I wanted my mommy. I'm 22 years old, and I wanted my mommy. Needless to say, I had a breakdown today. Needless to say, it brought me here.
Because this blog has gone through more of my breakdowns than anyone or anything else. The difference is, those were middle-school/high-school/growing-up/who-am-i breakdowns. And now? Well this is a grown-up break down.
Funny, they're really quite similar.
Let's Tarantino this shit, and go back to the beginning.
I have a rough life. I have a great life if you look at it from the outside. But live it, for more than a little while and I think you'll disagree. I'm a full time student, three great jobs, 3.4 gpa. I'm "above average" and I do well. I'm an RA, I advise my hall council, I'm in the honors program. I'm a columnist for my university's newspaper, I dance for our dance company, I'm a choreographer for the spring musical. Generally I'm well liked, and a boy that likes me went to see a play with me earlier this evening. I should be happy.
Should be. I suppose that implies that I'm not. Let me be clear, I have the best friends in the whole world - but they are very far away. And I absolutely love the family I was born into and I wouldn't have it any other way - but they are extremely dysfunctional.
Back to the breakdown. Why was I crying for my mommy (and why wasn't she there for me)?
Two reasons for tears. 1. "friends" and 2. I'm sick.
1. "Friends"
You know its going to be good when a word with a positive connotation is put into quotation marks. Here at school I find myself surrounded by "friends". People, who happen to be my peers, classmates, co-workers, etc and therefore consider themselves my "friends". There are many ways to define the word "friend" so lets stick with the basics, dictionary.com.
The very first definition reads, "a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard." I think the problem for me is that the only person my "friends" have affection or personal regard for, is themselves. I seriously, have never been surrounded by more selfish people in my entire life. And I went to a public high school. Allow me to give two brief examples of how three of my best "friends" treated me this week.
A. The Election
This week, my university was holding our annual SGA elections. My friend Mike had been planning on running for president since his freshman year, and I had promised to support him since then. Smart, intuitive, passionate, relate-able, honest and funny, Mike had everything he needed to be a great president. Then, at the last minute, one of my best "friends", Jerica decided she was going to run against him. She told me this in the one class we have together. She sits next to me of course. When she whispered her plans to me, I grew wide-eyed and disapproving. "Why would you run against him? You know I'm supporting him." "I know," she replied "and I won't take your vote for him personally. But I just don't want him to win. So i have to run against him." Jerica and Mike dated briefly their freshman year and it did not go well. Since then, they are not fond of one another. Campaigning continued, uncomfortable for all of us, I'm sure. But things changed late one night as I went to tag Jerica in one of my pictures on facebook. It wouldn't let me tag her, leading me to believe she had unfriended me. I went to look at her profile to double check, and found she had blocked me as well. Immediately I sent her a text message. "did you unfriend me on facebook?" She didn't reply. Granted it was 3am. In the morning our conversation proceeded as follows:
Jerica: Yeah, I unfriended you.
Me: ...why?
Jerica: Because I know I may not seem like it, but i consider you a close friend. Granted he have grown apart and i havent always been there for you but i have feelings despite how i treat you and others. and when i saw (that you were supporting mike) it hurt me. i just didnt expect it and so i just unfriended you until after elections so i don't have to see how i have let you down.
Me: You know I've supported him, I told you that from the very beginning. You know its not personal, this is just another example of how you say we're close but you don't act like it. Did you think about how this would make me feel? I'm very hurt that you don't consider my feelings and that you didn't just talk to me about how you felt. I feel like unfriending me was immature and it scares me to think you can so easily throw away our friendship when we don't agree.
Jerica: okay well i appreciate your honesty. i am sorry i just wish i could have been the one to earn your support. i do understand but it still hurts.
Me: I get that. Its a tough situation. I will be so happy and endlessly supportive of you if you win, because when I say I'm your friend, I don't mean temporarily or when its easy or comfortable for me. I mean all the time. The reason we've grown apart is because I've learned that I can't count on you. When things get rough, you bail.
So yeah. that about sums it up. Unfriended. Worst of all, she won. This selfish little bitch is now our SGA president. fuck.
B. Pretty Little Selfish Sheltered Snobs
I'm sick, as you'll read here coming up. But due to one of the medications I'm on, I cannot go anywhere or do anything alone. And for one of my classes I have to go see the theatre department's play this weekend. No problem, I thought. I'll grab some of my best "friends" roommates Rebecca and Ashley and go see it. When I asked them if they were game...
Rebecca: This weekend is kinda busy for me though.
(I know she has nothing to do but some studying)
Maybe! Ash is tired but we're interested.
(this was at 1pm, we could either go at 7pm or 7pm the next day, being tired has nothing to do with this.)
We're just deciding between tonight and tomorrow.
(sounds like a yes, right?)
We do want to go but we've both had such a long week that I dont think it will be much fun, hang out with you another time.
fuck. you guys. long week? you stay up late (like everyone in college), you're taking 12 credits (I'm at 22 and a full time job), you're on a hall council (that I advise), you buy new clothes and shoes every week (must be draining) and your mom writes your papers (that's illegal you know). Who the fuck cares if it isn't going to be fun for you? I have to go and I can't go alone. You bashed Jerica for being a shitty friend and you're just as bad. fuck. you.
so.
2. sick
I have a sever upper respiratory tract infection. I feel like I'm gonna die, but I'm on tons of meds so i probably wont.
1 + 2 = me crying for my mommy. And she could be there for me, like, at all. Because she is out of the country. On a cruise. In the Carribbean. She better bring me an awesome present.
One of my real best friends from home, Zay, called me when he realized I was having a breakdown. Due to my sore throat I didn't really talk to him much but knowing that he cared helped a lot. The fact that I think I'm falling in love with him wasn't helpful but I've been dealing with that for a while now.
I'm on back-up duty even though it is supposed to be my weekend off, and even though i have to be at dance by 8am tomorrow I have to be awake til 2am. It is now ten after so I'm done ranting.
More tomorrow.
