sometimes the hardest things to let go of are the things you never really had.

some people care a little too much,
i think it's called LOVE ;
-- winnie the pooh

<3

<3

how come everything always makes sense;; until I see him again... untill i remember that he & I could make the whole world jealous...
not that i want to.



<3
& its really all my fault... I've made myself the fool thats falling for him. i mean really, all the drama, lies, heartbreak, & tears & these are the best years of our lives? i know it sounds melodramatic but i am dramatic and the only advice anyone ever gives me is "be strong"...I don't WANT to be that strong;; if it means being alone. no one ever tells me its ok to cry.

then again, is it really my fault you've got the arms i wanna be wrapped in,
the eyes i want to lose myself in, & the voice i could listen to for hours?
<3

i wish i knew exactly what to do. i wish... i wish i could lose this alter ego i have adopted. the "me" everyone thinks they know... but i cant help thinking it's better to laugh about nothing than to cry about everything. right?

and if you were actually to read this, which i know you wont so its ok, but if you were, and i could tell you one thing, I would scream: please don't leave me here tonight...I need you now, I need you in my life.

but i would never tell you that because, well, because it gets hard to trust anyone when everyone you ever opened your heart up to lets you down. and ben always said, "if you can't handle my worst, then you don't deserve my best." then again, look what happened to ben. and the sad part is he died without me knowing weather or not i will see him again with our heavenly father, and i can only blame myself for that. i was too selfish to think about...i was too young to realize that im not invincible. but he wasnt. wasnt too young or too week. he could do anything...or so he thought. and i never belived his brother when he told me. it all sounded like a sick joke...but the minutes passed...hours...days, and i got the notice for the funeral. and i didnt go. didnt have the heart. well i didnt have the time, money, or abillity, but mostly i didnt have the heart. i know ben would have forgiven me for abandoning him and im sure god has forgiven me but i know for sure i will never be able to forgive myself. and if you sat here and read this im sorry. sorry you had to hear me lament and cry but ive never put it all out there like this before and i dunno there was just something telling me i might feel better if i did. granted i dont feel better right now, and i dont think i ever will be able to feel as i once did, but...but...i judt dont know anymore. im just so sorry.