i dont know how i am going to do it. this whole life thing i mean. its too hard. too too hard. and i know what im suposed to think. im suposd to think that i cant do it alone but god will haelp me. but i cant help but think that i dont want god to help me. because if hes wasting time on me, i feel like he isnt helping the people you really need him. like matt.
my freind matt's mom died sunday. the funeral was today. not only is this tearing matt up, but its tearing me up, and its tearing all of our friends up. Can you imagine being inn school all day long with rooms full of kids on the verge of tears? its one of the most painful things i have evr done. and to see mr. tough guy, and i mean mr. has-played-varsity-football-since-freshamn-year and mr. has-broken-3-ribs-and-never-ever-showed-pain-because-pain-is-a-weakness...to see him look like he is never going to smile again, and then to have him fall apart, sobbing, in your arms???? i never want it to happen again. and i cant make it stop.
meanwhile, i get accepting into Vocal Ensemble (the 20 best vocalists in my school of 2700) and improv team (the 15 best kids at improv (whos line is it anyway))...
its.not.fair.
i dont want it to happen. but it is. and i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. I HATE IT. and i scream this at god, but he doesnt listen.
5 comments:
So I can't pretend I know how it is right now, but I can say honestly that I have a good idea.
So friends can be hard to deal with at times, but when hard times come you just gotta be strong. You can ask alot of people. They'll tell you, you need to be strong. YOu need to be strong for him and everyone around you. I know it feels like you don't need God or don't want him, but in the long run you will. YOu'll need him more than you realize. So it's really hard right now, but you can't give up hope because for alot of people, it's all they have. YOu have to get through it to show them that they can. Best of wishes and I'll be praying for y'all.
Congrats.
luv ya
Amanda, I have no idea what you must be feeling, but what we feel and what is actually happening are 2 different things.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comorts us in all troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Wow, sorry that life is getting you down. I will be praying that things get better dear. Death is a hard thing to deal with. But remeber you have to being open to let God work through your weaknesses to show that He is strong. Do not let the seeds of doubt get to you and leave you empty. Go be filled with Him. Missed you this weekend. Sorry that you could not join us at the concerts. :( Hang in there.
Amanda,
This is Julia's mom. I have been praying for you since I read your blog on Wednesday. Can I suggest another way to see things? You can take it or leave it, but sometimes a different perspective is helpful to me when my life seems chaotic.
Could it be that God put you, one of His kids whom He loves so much, into Matt's life because He knew Matt would lose his mom at this time? Could it be that He loves Matt so much that He wanted Matt to have a channel right from His heart to bring him life when his world feels rocked by death? I am praying for Matt and his family since reading what you wrote. I would have never had any contact with him but for you. I'm sure Julia and Aly are praying for him, too.
Could it be that God had you make the two special, elite groups because He needed someone there to love those people for His sake? He knows the stresses and crises that are coming up for them, too.
You are not responsible to save anyone, but putting you in contact with these people God loves gives them an opportunity to see the com-passion, joy, peace and hope that you carry inside you. They won't know it is the presence of God right away, but you know. He is the wonderful One. His Spirit in you guides you in what you do, whom you befriend and deeper into His truth. And don't worry that He would be diluting His love for others by caring for you and your friends. He is God. He can think 24/7 about each individual on the planet and never miss a beat in His care for nature and keeping the universe in perfect order.
I love you. Hope to see you in SS tomorrow.
Mrs. Sillaman
I'll pray too.
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